Claire Estep: Still Proud

 Two hefty “For Sale” signs have recently been hammered into the lawn of my childhood home. I am never really in town, due to college, so the signs didn't cross my mind twice until the morning of the first showing a few days ago. Mom announced that the realtor was giving a walk through to the first prospective buyer at 10, before she hurried off to work. I was left to get ready as per usual for my job waiting tables. Shower, fix hair, makeup, iron clothes…the same ho hum as always.

 As I stood in front of the mirror mounted on my off-white dresser, making sure I was presentable and ready to go, I spotted the pictures of my girlfriend and me wedged into the side of the mirror. My room had recently been painted so all the photos on my walls had been taken down.  I still wanted them in sight, and my mirror seemed like the next best option. Suddenly, I thought,  “I should take them down. What if they made the buyer offended and not purchase the house because of my homosexuality? What if the realtor no longer felt comfortable showing our house?” Questions raced through my head as I stood there. I looked at the picture of my girlfriend again...so beautiful, hair perfectly in place with a huge shining smile that routinely takes my breath away.  One single tear slid down my face as I grabbed my keys and walked out the door for work, leaving the pictures in place.

 At this same time, Pride Month is just getting started.  Around the world there will be celebrations, rainbows adorning any imaginable surface, glitter, and confetti. The one year anniversary of the legalization of gay marriage will be celebrated along with many first wedding anniversaries of homosexual couples. Parades will proceed through city streets. Equality will be demanded. Loud and proud homosexuals, bisexuals, trans individuals, etc. will be elated to spend this month in these sort of festivities. This is the "pride" we have all heard of and seen on social media. This is the typical display of flamboyancy by which conservatives are so turned-off, but pride doesn't always look the same. Some people, like myself, have been raised in environments where being open about whom you love is unacceptable; forget being proud. Pride month looks different for people like us.

 I'm sure many non-heterosexuals raised in the deep south can relate. Your family does not always support you, and even those that do are not necessarily supportive of you being open. Schools are full of conservative people with spiteful words that bite at any sense of security you have mustered. These bullies' words are fed by those of their parents; a cycle of hatred bred into the gene pool. Hatred continues onto more people than just those in direct contact. The parent of your mom's friend's dog sitter who added you on social media six years ago will post article after article about how she is now boycotting Target because they removed gender labels from children's toys, or something absurd like that. No matter where you turn, there is bigotry and small-mindedness everywhere. These simple acts make Pride Month, and pride in general, difficult to celebrate. Acts of pride may dwindle from a large parade adorned in rainbows to something much, much smaller. Do not be fooled, these acts are still just as full of bravery and pride.

 Sometimes it's not closing your bedroom door to hide the rainbow flag on your apartment wall when new people come over. Grabbing the hand of the girl you are seeing while eating Panera in Alabama. Actually accepting the Facebook invite to a band performance at a local gay bar and now "hiding" it from your timeline, or leaving pictures of you and your girlfriend hung up. Being proud in an environment that has only ever told you to not be is a huge feat. Whatever little thing you do to stand up for your life and sexuality is a display of pride.

 This June, celebrate who you are. Whether it be with a grand display or something small and to yourself, you deserve to be proud of the beautiful soul that you are. Lastly to the allies that will be celebrating alongside this month, we thank you for your care and support.

-Claire Estep

Sorry, I'm Not Sorry

HAPPY INTERNATIONAL WOMEN'S DAY!

According to the Merriam-Webster dictionary, a woman is: 

1) a : an adult female person

b : a woman belonging to a particular category (as by birth, residence, membership, or occupation) 

2: womankind

3: distinctively feminine nature : womanliness

Simple enough, right? By the terms of literary definition, sure. 

Let's take a closer look at the third definition provided, and define the word womanly:

1: like or befitting a woman; feminine; not masculine or girlish

And, feminine:

1: having qualities or appearance traditionally associated with women, especially delicacy and prettiness (ladylike)

Growing up, I struggled to fulfill the expectations of being a woman. This seems silly, even to me, as being a woman should be as simple as having the female anatomy. After almost twenty years on planet Earth, I have come to find that it's not quite that easy. Far too often, I felt the pressure to be more delicate, soft spoken, refined, pure and agreeable as a woman, only to continuously come up short and a little embarrassed at my own difficulty to carry myself in a "ladylike" manner.  Additionally, I have been envious of women who are able to be gentle and tender with such ease.  These traits are lovely and endearing for those whose personalities naturally carry them, as our differences are what make each of us so beautifully unique.

Overtime, I have come to terms with who I am rather than wishing to be a woman I am not. I am loud, confrontational, wild, sarcastic, outspoken, an odd combination of antsy yet laissez faire, slightly inappropriate at times, very honest and all around a hot mess. In the patriarchal world we inhabit, my personality has led others, specifically men, to so lovingly refer to me as a "crazy bitch" for doing the same things that men are expected to do on a daily basis. No worries boys, I fully understand how one would find a woman who refuses to sit down and accept anything but equality, respect and fairness intimidating. And for the record, I'm really not sorry about it...at all.

Although I am not society's poster child for the traditional expectations of a lady, that does not make me any less of a woman. I will be the first to admit that my vibes do not fit into everyone's cup of tea. I am handful to say the least, but I am proudly and unapologetically myself, regardless of what anyone else may think about me. Take it or leave it, because at the end of the day, I'm still going to be a bad bitch.

What does being a woman mean to you?

"Being comfortable in my own skin...we come in all shapes and sizes, and we are all beautiful in our own ways. It means being able to look in the mirror and know God has a purpose for me that is greater than all that is of this world."

-Anissa Weaver

"Having the power to (potentially in the future) create another freaking life because that's insanely awesome."

-Kelsey Switzer

"Never giving up... All of our lives we are pushed down by the societal traditions to stay at home, look pretty, keep everything clean, be a good cook, raise the kids, and don't complain. Yet now we are starting to live in a world where people are starting to listen, people are starting to see that women haven't been treated equally and shouldn't be locked into these primitive stereotypes. If women all those centuries ago had given up on fighting to be heard, women wouldn't be where they are today."

-Ellen Salaun

"Finding beauty in everything, being naturally maternal and comforting people. Everyone makes us seem like delicate flowers (we are) but we're also badasses (we prove this monthly). Our bodies are literally what brings life to the earth...nothing more amazing than that."

-Jennifer Jardine

"We are daughters of a King, God Almighty. We are royal princesses once we step into our identity. We are the precious, pure and beautiful bride of Christ."

-Elizabeth Inyang

Y G G

~ NEW YEAR ~ NEW ME ~

HELLOOOOOO 2016! 

I have thought about this upcoming year a little more than usual, and the changes I would like to see in myself and have others notice in me. After much deliberation, Lauren asked me what my resolution is just hours before the beginning of this year. Without hesitation, it came to me.

My New Year's Resolution:

Do everything with your whole heart. Do not half-ass anything.

2016, here you are with all your wonderful mystery! It is with open arms and an anxious heart that I gladly welcome you. I cannot even fathom what you have in store for me, but I plan to take on every day with excitement and ambition. I want to utilize every opportunity that comes my way, and be humbled by the things that do not. I pledge to love with strength, sincerity and selflessness, even when I don't really feel like it. Vulnerability will not scare me and fear will not stop me. This year is mine. Nothing can get in my way.

RIP 2015 and much love to ya! I can't say I'm too torn up to see this past year come to a close. Sigh of relief.

What is your New Year's Resolution? What changes would you like to see in yourself? What changes would you like to see in the world?
It all starts with you.

Acoustic Syndicate: Redefining Appalachian Music

Founded in 1992, Acoustic Syndicate identifies as a rock/folk/bluegrass band based out of Western North Carolina, more commonly referred to as Appalachia. Every past and present band member holds a place in the Appalachian community, having grown up in The High Country. While some bands might falsely categorize themselves as “Appalachian”, Acoustic Syndicate is the real, authentic deal.

Over the years, seven full-length albums have been released under the name Acoustic Syndicate. Their first album released in 1996, coincidentally the year I was born, was self-titled Acoustic Syndicate. Their debut album was followed by: Tributaries (1999), Crazy Little Life (2000), Live From The Neighborhood (2003), Terra Firma (2003) and Long Way Round (2004).

After an 8-year hiatus leaving fans wondering if they had put their instruments up for good, Acoustic Syndicate’s most recent album, Rooftop Garden, was released in September of 2013.

Thanks my friend Billy Herring, "manager/tour manager/wrangler", I got the opportunity to have some questions answered by Steve McMurry, vocalist and guitarist in Acoustic Syndicate:

How do you think your own music, and Appalachian music as a whole has evolved since the Acoustic Syndicate's beginning in 1992?
I think our own music has evolved over the years with changes in our families lives and also with our own expectations of ourselves to dig deeper into our songwriting capabilities. Obviously, being farmers we also are deeply rooted in our environmental situation on the planet and that plays alot into our music. As for the continuing boom of acoustic/folk/americana music over the last 2 decades we started out as a bluegrass band with drums which had never really been done before. Within several years of our start we noticed younger bands following our lead with exploration of other sounds and instruments in acoustic music. Obviously today there are numerous bands on the cutting edge of acoustic music and we are proud to have been at the forefront of that movement. But we always know we can get deep back into the hollars of the Appalachians and find the real deal old time music that has been played for generations long before us.

Who/what/where do you think your passion for music grew from?
Personally, me and my cousins grew up playing music in the church and at various events around Cleveland County, NC where we grew up. Between the 5 band members we all grew up with different tastes in music which has lended itself to all of the different sounds you hear on our records and our live performances. We mix our own original stuff with covers from The Who, Dire Straits, Van Morrison, The Police and lots more. We never wanted to pigeon hole ourselves as a bluegrass band just because we were playing standard bluegrass instruments.

What is your favorite instrument to play? What is your favorite instrument to hear?
I play guitar and mandolin but I love all instruments. I really like heavy exploratory jazz as well. Its not really so much the individual instruments as the whole of the individual parts coming together to make a unique sound....whether its coming from our band or any numerous bands that we draw influences from.

How was your experience recording Rooftop Garden? Are there any moments in particular that are especially memorable?
Well, the Rooftop Garden record sort of came out of the blue. We were gigging in the Northwest several years ago and on a day off we were having beers and discussing new songs that we had in our pockets, so to speak. Without going into great detail, we discussed the potential for a new record and within a year we were in Echo Mountain Studios in Asheville laying down tracks for the record. The songs on the record came from our experiences within our lives at the time....kids were growing, parents were aging, our planet was and is coming under attack form those who don't care for it as much as we do and we felt like we were at the stage to just make the record and lay out our thoughts on the state of where we are as human beings. We had a phenomenal producer, Stewart Lehman, from NYC and we just had a ball with him in the studio. Studio work is tedious but we were really happy with the end result. We've probably got enough material for a few more records....we shall see I guess.

Y'all have a few shows coming up before Christmas, will there be more shows and touring when the New Year rolls around? 
Well, that depends on how much the wives want us around the house. Several of us have children and also have "day jobs" so all of those things come into play. We are at a point where we can sort of pick and choose our gigs and that allows us to be around for the things that really matter to us and that is family. We've toured the country more times than I can count over the last 23 years and we continue to hit our hot spots several times a year. We just want to be playing good music for good people without getting banged and bruised by the brutal life of touring. We will see where it goes. We just feel blessed to have our health and our continued unbelievable fan support after all of these years. Most bands dont last a year or two before imploding but we have a beautiful family vibe that keeps us grounded and gives us amazing support while we are on the road. Plus, they always save chores for us around the house to keep it all real. Also, our manager and front of house engineer play a major part in making us sound good and keeping us where we need to be. Actually, we have a gig up at Beech Mountain in early January...that will be our first gig of 2016. Come see us! We've played all of the major festivals over the years....Bonnnaroo, Merlefest, Telluride Bluegrass, FloydFest, Jazzfest in New Orleans....we will playing some of those festivals this year as well.

Acoustic Syndicate is very vocal about environmental rights and acting as a community. What do you want your listeners to gain about these topics from your music? 
With the current state of affairs regarding fracking, clean air issues, GMOs and clean water we have very determined views on these things. Once our natural resources are gone....they are gone. We are raising our children to respect the environment and also to be stewards for the environment. Its interesting because most of our fans are very much proponents of leaving our Earth better than the way we found it. We are all in this world together and we need to treat it fairly and lovingly. We have several songs on Rooftop that speak to leaving a better world for our kids and also realizing that we do have the resources as a world community to provide water and food to our brothers and sisters world wide. We know this is possible...unfortunately politics get in the way of humanity lots of times. As the song goes, "We're all part of the same big family...." (Another Rooftop song)

The View From My Rut

I've been thinking about this post for so long now, I was beginning to wonder if it would ever actually be written. Even now that I'm finally typing it, I'm not sure where to go from here.

Life has been moving so quickly recently that I have hardly had the chance to take a deep breath and look around. Admittedly, I have been moving nonstop by choice, so much so that I have found myself in a rut of constant desire for action, avoiding down time at any cost. Bronchitis, tonsillitis, strep and a nasty sinus infection caught up to me this past week and wore me out for a few days. Even then, I tried to keep myself as busy as possible so I could stay distracted. But now I am exhausted, and ready to climb out of the rut I've been racing in.

So far, this semester has been incredibly full and I've enjoyed every moment of it.

Today is November 22nd. Every word above was written on September 19th. I've opened this draft so many times, trying to pair words to my thoughts, and I am still at a loss. This post has been burning a hole in the back of my head, and it's about time it receives the attention it deserves.

With only a few class sessions, assignments and tests between Spring 2016 and I, it's about time I accept Fall 2015 for what it was, face the reality of every experience and prepare for what is to come.

Fall 2015 has been the most difficult season in my life so far. I thought I had hit rock bottom in the past, but I was wrong.

First let me state:

I am and will continue to be okay.

If I have learned anything from the last few months, it is that there is nothing that I cannot conquer. I refuse to be defeated, and I plan to stand strong, stable and tall as long as my body will allow. Although I'm not very vocal about my 'problems', the presence and relationships from others in my life serve as constant encouragement. The people I love offer infinite assistance through hard times, even if we don't talk about it directly.

While you're reading, please keep in mind that I am 19. Do you know any 19 year olds that have it all together? I definitely don't. I have plenty of time to figure everything out, but that doesn't make it any less stressful, especially being someone who doesn't accept mediocracy lightly. 

Nevertheless, I am young. I am okay. I am well on my way out of the rut I have been stuck in. I am determined. There is nothing that will stop me from achieving success and happiness. When open land and fresh air still seem a million miles away, I remind myself that the destination will make every heavy step of the journey worth it. 

I want to find my way back to my roots, as I have lost sight of myself recently, and haven't realized so until this semester. I'll get there. Until then, let's go with the classic excuse, "I'm just trying to find myself, man".

Traditionally, I prefer to keep my problems to myself. I have a wall as deep as the sea in front of me, and I do not feel comfortable being vulnerable. However, a friend of mine recently shared the following picture:

Lot of love for you always, Pam!

People tend to be so hush-hush when it comes to the deeper and more complex problems we face in our lives. I have always been independent, and find pride in my ability to handle situations on my own. Sometimes I wonder if things would be different had I found a role model or mentor. Maybe I would be more comfortable confronting my problems. Maybe I wouldn't feel the need to handle things on my own. Maybe I wouldn't feel like a burden when I try to open up. Regardless, I have decided that I want to be a resource to anyone else who may need a friend to lean on. 

Life isn't easy for any of us. Everyone's reality gets heavy from time to time. We all have our own issues, and they are all relevant. There is no point in pretending our lives are perfect and worry-free. As I work towards thinning down my protective wall and being more open, I would like to encourage anyone who feels similarly to do the same. Even baby steps count as progress. Until next time...

"I wanted people to trust me, despite anything they'd heard. And more than that, I wanted them to know me. Not the stuff they thought they knew about me. No, the real me. I wanted them to get past the rumors. To see beyond the relationships I once had, or maybe still had but that they really didn't agree with. And if I wanted people to treat me that way, then I had to do the same for them, right?"

-Jay Asher

Thirteen Reasons Why

To the Parents of our Able Campers,

I have had heart warming conversations with a few of you, met many of y'all briefly, and still have yet to shake others' hands. I am one of the 100+ volunteer staffers who spend the week by your child's side when you drop them off at Camp Able. As a counselor, my job is to make sure every moment at camp is enjoyed with a smile stretching from ear to ear.

Although many counselors do, I personally have no professional training in caring for those with diverse abilities. It is something that has captured my heart, to my own surprise despite my chronic lack of patience, with no intention of releasing it. I am not qualified, or particularly special in any way. I simply got lucky when I was given the opportunity to serve at Camp Able. Many of you have thanked me, and other people from the outside looking in tell me what an "incredible and selfless thing" I do. I'd love to honestly say that I do it solely for the joy of the campers, but that simply is not true. I have returned year after year because your children make my life so much brighter and worth while.

The laughter and words we share are strong enough to pull me out of the deepest pit of sadness, anger or frustration I may find myself in during the rest of the year. I often catch myself remembering moments, watching videos, or looking at pictures from camp...especially when I have trouble paying attention in class. I'm almost positive my friends are going to duct tape my mouth shut the next time they hear me talk about the past summers at Camp Able or how much I am looking forward to the upcoming one. Oh, well! Sorry not sorry.

Each of your children have filled my heart to the brim with pure love, affection, and happiness. There is no way I would be who, or where I am today without the everlasting impact they have made on my life. At this point, I genuinely believe that my heart is covered with each campers fingerprint, as they have held it so many times over the past few years. I am infinitely grateful to all of you and your families for trusting the Camp Able staff and I with your precious children. I can only hope they have half of the experience we do during our short time together. The campers do so much more for us and our hearts than we could ever dream of returning to them. Your children hold the purest love and happiness I have ever encountered, and because of them, I have had the privilege of holding those things too.

On behalf of the staff who have the opportunity to serve and enjoy your children for one magical week every summer, thank you, thank you, thank you. We are already counting down the days until the next time we get to see y'all!

"I slept and dreamt that life was joy. I awoke and saw that life was service. I acted and behold, service was joy."

-Rabindranath Tagore

Summer Sand

I've spent the past few days overflowing with thoughts and ideas. I currently have 3 different pieces saved as drafts, just waiting to be finished and posted. As a new thought pops into my head, I open the related draft and add onto it. Sometimes I wish my brain would chill, but like Leslie Knope, it has a hard time doing so. To my own confusion, my mind tends to work its hardest when my body is ready to sleep...ugh.

I got ready to send my friend and voluntary proofreader one of my unfinished pieces simply because I was getting antsy, waiting to share some of my thoughts. But, I would much rather post pieces based on quality over quantity. I am taking a step back from all of my thoughts and ideas so that I can give y'all a little life update.

This summer, I am living in Marco Island, Florida as I intern with Rector Kyle Bennett of St. Mark's Episcopal Church. Life could definitely be worse. I drove 10 hours down with my knowledge of electronic media and my camera to offer what I can. Here on the island, we are preparing for Camp Able on Marco, filled to the brim with anticipation for the campers to arrive! This summer's theme, "Once Upon a Time" has Kyle's brain running nonstop, as usual, while I try to bring his ideas to life.

St. Mark's is also giving the business of hand crafted chocolate a try. The profits go towards fueling adventures and smiles for all of our friends that attend Camp Able every summer. I have yet to master the art of chocolatiering, but with a little over a dozen Pure Chocolate bars on my resume, I can see the hope of a new profession in my future. I've had fun in the chocolate factory with Wonka Wade and all the good smells, as I learn about and film the process.

I'm excited for all the projects and experiences this summer holds, as well as the relationships with smiling strangers, who I can now call friends. My heart misses the mountain air at times, but I take the ache on with love, knowing that Boone is waiting patiently for my return. Although the beaches of South Florida are far different from the Blue Ridge Mountains I have grown to call home, I now know that the sunrise is uniquely beautiful as it awakens every new day regardless of your geographic location.

Here's to summer.