Sunday, November 22, 2015

The View From My Rut

I've been thinking about this post for so long now, I was beginning to wonder if it would ever actually be written. Even now that I'm finally typing it, I'm not sure where to go from here.

Life has been moving so quickly recently that I have hardly had the chance to take a deep breath and look around. Admittedly, I have been moving nonstop by choice, so much so that I have found myself in a rut of constant desire for action, avoiding down time at any cost. Bronchitis, tonsillitis, strep and a nasty sinus infection caught up to me this past week and wore me out for a few days. Even then, I tried to keep myself as busy as possible so I could stay distracted. But now I am exhausted, and ready to climb out of the rut I've been racing in.

So far, this semester has been incredibly full and I've enjoyed every moment of it.

Today is November 22nd. Every word above was written on September 19th. I've opened this draft so many times, trying to pair words to my thoughts, and I am still at a loss. This post has been burning a hole in the back of my head, and it's about time it receives the attention it deserves.

With only a few class sessions, assignments and tests between Spring 2016 and I, it's about time I accept Fall 2015 for what it was, face the reality of every experience and prepare for what is to come.

Fall 2015 has been the most difficult season in my life so far. I thought I had hit rock bottom in the past, but I was wrong.
First let me state:

I am and will continue to be okay.

If I have learned anything from the last few months, it is that there is nothing that I cannot conquer. I refuse to be defeated, and I plan to stand strong, stable and tall as long as my body will allow. Although I'm not very vocal about my 'problems', the presence and relationships from others in my life serve as constant encouragement. The people I love offer infinite assistance through hard times, even if we don't talk about it directly.

While you're reading, please keep in mind that I am 19. Do you know any 19 year olds that have it all together? I definitely don't. I have plenty of time to figure everything out, but that doesn't make it any less stressful, especially being someone who doesn't accept mediocracy lightly. 

Nevertheless, I am young. I am okay. I am well on my way out of the rut I have been stuck in. I am determined. There is nothing that will stop me from achieving success and happiness. When open land and fresh air still seem a million miles away, I remind myself that the destination will make every heavy step of the journey worth it. 

I want to find my way back to my roots, as I have lost sight of myself recently, and haven't realized so until this semester. I'll get there. Until then, let's go with the classic excuse, "I'm just trying to find myself, man".

Traditionally, I prefer to keep my problems to myself. I have a wall as deep as the sea in front of me, and I do not feel comfortable being vulnerable. However, a friend of mine recently shared the following picture:

Lot of love for you always, Pam!

People tend to be so hush-hush when it comes to the deeper and more complex problems we face in our lives. I have always been independent, and find pride in my ability to handle situations on my own. Sometimes I wonder if things would be different had I found a role model or mentor. Maybe I would be more comfortable confronting my problems. Maybe I wouldn't feel the need to handle things on my own. Maybe I wouldn't feel like a burden when I try to open up. Regardless, I have decided that I want to be a resource to anyone else who may need a friend to lean on. 

Life isn't easy for any of us. Everyone's reality gets heavy from time to time. We all have our own issues, and they are all relevant. There is no point in pretending our lives are perfect and worry-free. As I work towards thinning down my protective wall and being more open, I would like to encourage anyone who feels similarly to do the same. Even baby steps count as progress. Until next time...

"I wanted people to trust me, despite anything they'd heard. And more than that, I wanted them to know me. Not the stuff they thought they knew about me. No, the real me. I wanted them to get past the rumors. To see beyond the relationships I once had, or maybe still had but that they really didn't agree with. And if I wanted people to treat me that way, then I had to do the same for them, right?"
-Jay Asher
Thirteen Reasons Why

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Maira Gall